seems like an easy word. It's defined as a state of happiness and satisfaction. Who doesn't want that? Of course we want to be in a state of happiness! Sign me up! Certainly, we want to be satisfied. But sometimes we confuse satisfied with boredom. We confuse growth with restlessness. Happiness with having.
I think we often want others to have what we have or do what we do because it validates our choices. "Oh, you want kids, I do too!" "You want to get married... a bigger house... a new car... a fabulous vacation... a promotion... a degree." More isn't always in our best interest; bigger isn't always better. It's so hard to look around and see all the things that glitter and not think we need more gold.
Having the drive and desire to attain isn't inherently bad. Providing needs and wants for yourself and your family can sometimes be the only thing that gets you out of bed in the morning and into the doors of your workplace. Dreaming of a beach vacation can get you through the 100 days of January. Forward looking and forward thinking can put us in the place we've always wanted to be, but then what? Do we just stop striving?
I remember feeling in my younger life that I wanted to simply feel content. I wanted to feel comfortable in my surroundings and my mind and my body. I wanted to feel confident in any room I was in. I wanted to feel like I'd accomplished something, meant something enormous to someone, left an indelible mark, been truly seen and truly heard, been consumed by love and loved someone like that in return*. I wanted to find peace in the stillness.
The trouble with all of that loveliness is that it's a moving target. Comfortable in my body means something different at 54 than it did at 24. Now it's not being a certain size, it's more about my knee not hurting when I walk downstairs. Feeling confident in any room isn't about how I look or dress or speak, it's more about knowing which rooms I belong in, which rooms are necessary to enter and staying out of those that aren't. The yardstick I measure my accomplishments by are about who feels calm and happy and cared for in my presence and not about a pay raise or financial accomplishment.
If it's an ever-changing metric, then how do we ever, ever feel peace and contentment? How do I ever feel it? Being something I've chased as long as I can remember, I've done much thinking and over-thinking about it, and all I've come up with is my "so far" conclusions. Like I said, it's a moving target, this need to feel solid and stable, so all I have to offer is my "for now" feelings.
My life feels like it's moving on a current, sometimes it's a rip current that pulls me in directions outside my plan or off my desired path. There are these little detours that sweep me sideways... births, deaths, job changes, marriage, family... some really, really beautiful, some devastating and some are just neutral, like a soft curve to the left or right. I've perhaps not seen the movement for what it is while it's happening; I've not known it was a blessing in disguise or I've not really immediately grasped the depth of loss, but all things become apparent in time and with perspective. The current moves and we move with it.
I've been through things that upon initial impact I thought would buckle my knees, and I've weathered them. I've thrived when I felt I would barely survive. Things I thought would be the most incredible experience have turned out to be a wicked mess.
All of that lead me to this, my great conclusion regarding contentment is that I simply need to stand still and breathe in where I am, who I am with, the real things I can touch and see, and the experiences that got me exactly right here.
Contentment, for me is found in the moment now, this moment right here. The underlying current that swirls sweetly around my ankles is still moving while I stand still, and I know enough to know that soon it will propel me forward. Everything can change in a moment, for good or for bad, and I'll be compelled to go where it takes me. I also know that at some point, I'll plant my feet and again stand still and appreciate where I am, what I've done, how I feel inside this aging body and who is standing with me. I'll appreciate it more so, because I can turn around and see the path I've walked and remember that all along that way, even when it felt like I was walking through hell, I was walking toward contentment.
* Tomorrow is our ten-year wedding anniversary. I can't believe it. It's gone so quickly, but it also feels like we've always been. I am truly consumed with love for him and am so grateful that his love consumes me right back. He is in the current with me, everyday and in all ways. I don't take that for granted. I am not just blessed, I'm divinely favored. BCL SB. Always.
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