times in our lives where we are expected to "rise to the occasion*". We are expected to perform feats of superhuman strength be it mentally, physically or emotionally, because the circumstances call for it. These can range from remaining level headed in the face of a medical crisis to doing 12 hours of work in an 8 hour day, to running on very few hours of sleep over many, many days while caring for a tiny human, to conducting oneself with dignity in the face of the loss of a loved one, to making a magical Christmas while also trying to run your daily life. The expectation is that we will do what has to be done and are stronger for it and proud of what we made happen under sometimes extraordinary circumstances. That's a lot of pressure.
Who in the fresh hell decided we have to always rise?
Google inspirational quotes about perseverance or not giving up. Wait, don't. You'll throw your back out rolling your eyes. Or worse, you'll feel a demand to perform under duress in an unhealthy way. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! What? Those are the options? Death or strength? Humans are more nuanced than that. Our coping abilities are so incredibly varied and subject to external and internal forces, that it's not always as simple as "do or die".
When I think about people "rising to the occasion", I have immediate images and memories of situations where I've witnessed just that. My friend at the hospital when her then husband was in a horrible car accident that killed his cousin... I can vividly hear her wailing when she was told the cousin hadn't survived and then her pulling herself together to go see her critically injured husband, who was too injured to be told about the profound loss.
I remember another friend writing the words "Please come. I need you." to a friend when her son was having a life threatening medical crisis. "Please pray." came another message. "I'm scared." Then her taking the lead in finding the best care for her child and receiving her miracle.
When my SIL called to tell me about my niece... "Lisa. It's Delaney. She's not going to be okay." through tears. Her voice breaking while she knew what she was telling me was breaking my heart. Crying with me on the phone. Then calmly explaining the information she had while continually offering me support and then carrying our family through the next several days and weeks.
Let's visit about this, I said the three memories I shared with you above were examples of people I know "rising to the occasion". When you read them you likely admired the part where they performed as expected in the face of adversity. They carried their burden and made things happen and took care of what needed to be taken care of. But what if the real beauty is in the reaction not the action? The wailing and the admission of fear and the breaking voice, because those are some of the realest moments I've ever experienced.
Yes, they all had to get on with it. Things needed to be done. Incredibly important things. But before that, before the doing, somewhere in the pause, in the sharp inhale because it hurts so incredibly much, in the moment before the cry when our brains have processed what our hearts can't quite yet hold, is the real rising. It's where we are so raw and wrong side out that we are being almost involuntarily honest. Perhaps the motion forward after that is all acting. It's doing what I'm supposed to do and what's expected. It's suspending the reality to do the work. For me, the getting things done isn't nearly as courageous as the hurt and fear being laid bare. The stronger isn't in the surviving necessarily, it's in the moments after we find out and the moments before we start to act, it's the part where we're living it not surviving it.
Those are extreme examples, but most of us experience the pressure to push through regularly under less intense circumstances. That daily pressure adds up. Day after day living with the expectation that we will always do what needs to be done and what needs to be done right this very second. We're expected to make things happen while making it all look so easy. We get a "well done!" with an undercurrent of "we'll do this all again tomorrow".
What if I don't want to? What if I'm tired of rising and performing and carrying and having pressure applied? What if I don't want to choose between death and strength? What if I don't want to always become a diamond?
I saw a post by a lovely friend MRR that, in essence, said people are telling us they are struggling, hurting, frustrated or in desperate need of help and oftentimes our response is "you've got this", when they've just told us they don't. It's reflexive to tell someone "you can do it" when they've said they can't. We want to cheerlead, and we truly believe they can and likely they will, but what we've really done is tell them they aren't feeling what they say they are. Bigger than that, we've let them know that they aren't safe asking us for help, because all we'll offer is an inspirational quote. What we should be telling them is it's okay to not be able to handle everything that we've been given. It's more than okay to ask someone to hold something for us. It's okay to do what you can and leave the rest.
Somewhere along the way, we've decided it's a virtue to spread oneself so thin we almost disappear. We're expected to figure things out and stay on top of things and handle things and not complain. We've all become professional jugglers and more and more things get thrown at us and we're expected to keep them all in the air. Make the appointments, do the shopping, over-perform at work, cook, clean, fold the laundry, run the errands, care for the kids, visit family, make time for friends, wrap the presents, practice self-care, quality time with partner, cheer at the ballgames, put the damn laundry away, keep up with current events, voice your opinions, make informed decisions, be informed, floss, let the dogs out and in and out and in...and don't forget to breath and grieve and move on and never forget.
We're expecting ourselves into a nice little breakdown, and we're putting expectations on other that are driving them in the same direction. We cannot just say, "It'll be okay." because one day it might not be.
What's the answer? No seriously, I'm asking what is the answer? There are things we simply must do and things we have to get through. But maybe right now, in the most wonderful time of the year when we are all feeling the pressure to make it magical, we give ourselves permission to just simply NOT. We take one thing off our list every day. I mean obviously feed those kids and yourself and pay those bills so you keep warm, but maybe don't curl the ribbon on the presents. Or maybe you put your 8 hours in at work and close the door behind you and let it go, because it will be there tomorrow. Maybe don't fold the underpants, just throw them in the drawer. Don't make the bed. Say no to an invitation you're not thrilled to get, don't bake the cookies...don't and don't and don't.
It could be like a good kind of peer pressure if we all agree to do less. Now, by all means, if you can't relate to what I'm writing then keep doing exactly what you are doing. If it works for you, I'm cheering for you! But if you are like me and you're feeling overwhelmed and then feeling like a failure because you're feeling overwhelmed, we could decide we've risen enough for now. We could decide we are exactly what the occasion needs just as we are. We don't need to be or do more. Perhaps if we all start doing a little less of what's giving us hell, we could do more of what is truly wonderful. Sometimes, the beauty and strength really is in the pause.
Of course, I realize the privilege in all of this. There are people who wish they had what I'm complaining about, but that doesn't make what I struggle with invalid; it just makes it mine.
* Is it just me or does this phrase make you picture a loaf of unbaked bread in a tuxedo? Just me, huh? Cool.
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