comparison is the thief of joy, I'm sure. I wish I'd heard that when I was younger. My lands, the amount of time I spent comparing my hair, clothes, skin, body, accomplishments (or lack thereof), grades, inability to shoot a lay-up or actually do pretty much anything athletic to my peers and my siblings probably, embarrassingly, adds up to years of my life. Now, don't get all weird and start with the "not all comparisons...". You understand what I mean, and if you don't, you're either choosing not to, or this particular porch visit isn't for you. And that's cool. Maybe the next one will be. Because you see, I'm okay with not being everyone's cup of tea, because, to be fair, not everyone is mine.
I think about what I could have been doing during that time instead of stealing my own joy and I almost roll my eyes out of my own head at myself. I still compare myself to others, but on a much smaller scale than I used to. I do believe with age comes maybe not necessarily wisdom but at least some clarity. I'm not racing anyone except the mean Lisa in my head who wants me to live in a constant state of "you're not enough" or "you're too much". Mean Lisa's voice seems much quieter now. She tends to only cage rattle when someone outside of my own little brain says or does (or doesn't say or doesn't do) something intentional or not that makes me question myself.
Those questions, at their core, are about the validity of my life choices or the space I'm currently occupying. Should I be doing more? Should I have more? But ultimately the question ends up being "Should I be more?" Since Mean Lisa is pretty freaking abusive, she wants to isolate me with these thoughts. She compares even the fact that I'm having those thoughts with others. "I'm sure SHE doesn't toss and turn at night about THAT." "I'm sure they don't second guess things the way YOU do."
I'd like to be noble and say, "I hope I'm the only one." but, truthfully, I hope I'm not. If comparison is the thief of joy, then companionship is the bearer of hope. I know I'm not in this alone. People I love have talked to me about their own self-doubt, about the Meanie who lives within them. If we're all in the same boat with this, we need a bigger one.
Remember being a teenager and having your entire life ahead of you, and being in some kind of all fired hurry to have it all planned out? My wedding colors were going to be pink and yellow (Egads!), I'd have three kids, write speeches for the President, and have a sunken living room with a sectional (we called them pit groups in the eighties). With the exception of the pit group, none of that happened. Seventeen year old me would have been so disappointed in myself. Now that I think about it, Mean Lisa is 17 year old me. She's also an echo of every mean girl who made fun of my clothes, hair, body, etc. The good news is, those voices are less intrusive now. I can tell them to shut the fresh hell up, and they do. Because we are in control of what we think about ourselves, if we chose to exercise that control.
Now that we know who the thief is and who the bringer of hope is, there's one more meme we need to create. Expectation is the death of contentment. Okay, so I'm of course not talking about expectation of behavior (i.e. don't be a jerk, obvi) or expectation of performance at your job, or expectations of behavior within a relationship or honoring your commitments. I'm talking about the expectations we put on ourselves to have, be and do. "I should have more..." "I should be more..." "I should do more to have more and be more."
Round and Round it goes, where it stops nobody knows. WHAT it stops is contentment. It's the capacity to stand in the middle of your life and feel peace. It can make us take for granted the things we do have, what we are and what we've done, because we're expecting the next thing. Man is that lesson hard to learn, especially now when all we see is MORE than we are. Cleaner and bigger houses, wide smiles, adorable children, well-trained pets, magazine-worthy decor, perfect marriages...perfect lives. We certainly know all of that is curated for public consumption. I can't count the number of times I've taken a picture of my dogs doing cute things immediately after cleaning up a puddle of pee in my dining room. (MOOSE!) We know it's not the entire picture, yet we try to recreate it just the same.
My older step-daughter knew from a young age that her passion is teaching, and she has worked her cute booty off to make that happen. She's brilliant at it. The kids in her class are incredibly fortunate to have someone so dedicated. Her path wasn't always easy, but it always had a direction. She is thriving. It's a beautiful thing to watch. Just because someone's life seems to be a "natural progression" doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard-fought and without struggles. MPG has consistently persevered and created that progression. I'm constantly amazed by her tenacity.
My younger step-daughter's path has been a bit less of a straight line. The girl has been all over the place. (Disclaimer: my younger step-daughter knows I'm writing this and whole-heartedly approves of this message. She's looking to encourage with this, just like I am. So for real leave the porch if you can't understand that.) She has tried on several hats while searching for her passion. Let's see... nurse, respiratory therapist, math professor, business major, insurance sales, cosmetologist, and now she's majoring in kinesiology. DID I MISS ANY MAB?
As people who are fully invested in her success, we sometimes want to say (yell?) "DECIDE ALREADY!" My goodness kiddo, pick something and do that. Have, be, do and have, be, do it right now. And I know she's felt that from us. I know she's felt the frustration and displeasure, but what it really is on our part is fear. What if she doesn't ever have what she needs? What if she's never what she is supposed to be? What if she never does what we all expect her to do, which is settle down and ease our worries? Because while we all want joy and contentment for those we love, what we also selfishly want is for them to be sorted out so we don't have to fret about them.
It's not just our expectations of ourselves that can destroy our contentment; it's our expectations of others that can not only kill their contentment but our own. Right? I mean if I'm constantly expecting people to fit into the boxes I've assigned them arbitrarily and even selfishly, how am I ever going to be at peace? If folks aren't being and doing and having what I think they should, how can I know contentment? And how can they when they feel us pressing in on them to settle down and follow the path? We steal our peace and theirs. We are not only our own Meanies but, terribly, theirs as well.
Ugh.
It's so hard to not think that our route on the map is always the best one. We came up with it, so it must be. But our route is ours and someone else won't have the same experience following it. Perhaps there's more traffic for them, or they hit every single red light. Perhaps they enjoy a more scenic route. Or maybe they see the value in taking a more direct way in order to get where they are going because they are ready to be there. Saying "the joy is in the journey" isn't always fair or accurate. For some people it is a joy and they find their haves, bes, and dos along the way, and for others it's being at their destination so they can have, be and do in the place they've been moving toward their whole lives that brings their joy. Neither is wrong. Neither is better. Both are valid. Expecting others to use our map ruins the journey for them because where we are going isn't ever where they are. Each life path is unique and fresh. Realizing that for ourselves and for others actually translates to our being able to see the part of others' journeys that hold joy and helping them when they breakdown or hit traffic.
As usual, all of that has been headed here. The midlife crisis thing is a real deal for some of us. Maybe crisis is a misnomer. Perhaps we should reframe it as a midlife refreshing. This summer I struggled with it. While I am absolutely content in my very joyful marriage (no comparing/no expecting), I found myself wondering if this is all there is professionally. I have several wonderful people in my life who are experiencing this same thing. Empty nest, loss of partners to divorce or death, loss of careers, direction, motivation and on and on. Lots of loss and empty. And man, that is some scary hell. The question, "Now what?" plays on repeat. So does, "It's probably too late for me to do... or be... or have..."
Again, ugh. There are times I've wondered if perhaps I had taken the long and winding road to get to my destination, I wouldn't feel so lost where I'm at. I didn't know what my passion was, so I picked a job. That's a very hard thing to come to terms with. Writing it is weird, because it doesn't feel entirely honest. The truth is, I think I did know what it was, but I was too scared to do it. Or maybe I was so busy expecting to have everything figured out that I didn't take my time to find out what would give me fulfillment and contentment, in other words, to actually figure it out. I think maybe I'm taking baby steps to get and be and have what I've always wanted. It's scary and exciting and refreshing, even if I did wait until mid-life-ish to change course.
Folks like my older step-daughter KNEW her passion and moved heaven and earth to make it happen. My younger step-daughter hasn't always known. Maybe she still doesn't, but she isn't settling. She's still seeking. She's still driving us mad with her twists and turns, but it isn't about us in either case. It's about their individual journeys. It's about them cutting a path, climbing over and under and through to find where they belong. And it's our jobs to worry and care, of course, about those we love but also to encourage and cheer and help them change a tire when they need it. We can point out the obstacles, but we shouldn't be removing them or forcing them to re-route because it's what we want. That obstacle may be steering them in a better, truer direction. Recalculating, make a u-turn, recalculating...I hate when my mapping systems says it, so I shouldn't be saying it about anyone's life.
Here's the fresh in all of this, I am excited about where I am going and what comes next, but let me be clear, I am so incredibly content with where I am. Which is, once again, sitting in my bed in the middle of the night*, dogs and husband snoring softly, hand on my leg, talking a little fresh hell with you.
*DU if you are up reading this, I hope you are content with your cereal choice and it brings you joy. You deserve it.
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