I didn't believe...

 I deserved to be happy. Insert eye roll. I get it, that phrase itself is overused, trite, gag-inducing. But hear me out, perhaps it's really just misunderstood. Maybe what I didn't understand was what "happy" itself meant. Not the dictionary version, but the living it, feeling it version.

Ready for another rather obvious insight? We sabotage our own happy. We do. And I think because of that, we're bringing up the generation behind us to not even know if happy exists for them. We've turned it into an unattainable "unless it's picture perfect, then we all know that's a filter, so it doesn't exist" emotion. We've improperly labeled happy. 

We expect it to be something to attain, something to aspire to instead of something we feel. We confuse happy with stuff and clout and attention and success. That means that there has to be more stuff and clout and attention and success in order to stay happy. There's no enough, and I believe one can't be truly happy if one is constantly having to collect it.

Maybe what we need to look for is contentment. I've always loved that word. To me, it means "enough" in the most beautiful way. It's a state of being where we aren't always searching, where what we have is all we need and if something else comes our way, then that's just gravy. And I love gravy.

We all know people, maybe we are people, who seem to have contentment within their reach...they just need to stretch their fingers a little further. But suddenly, as if hearing a sound behind them so compelling they can't ignore, they make an abrupt turn and walk away from it. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking to watch. Like "Dude, it was right there! Finally. How could you leave it?" I've been that dude.

For me, and undoubtedly for you, it's fear; sometimes it's shame. We don't deserve it, because we've done this and this and this. Now, I know it can be doubt or confusion or insistence on being a martyr, but all of that is still fear or shame. I firmly believe it. 

It becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy. Something feels "right" and "good", and we're afraid of it so we do something to destroy it, which creates shame, shame creates unworthiness, so we stop looking for it. When it finds us...this "happy" or "content" we can't trust it (fear) because we don't deserve it (shame) and on and on.

Some of this is rooted in things that happened to us and some of it comes from things we've done to ourselves. And we did that to ourselves because someone did something to us. Around and around it goes... where it stops...

It can stop, with us. Not all of it. Not all the time. Not happy all day every day but happy every day. We have to figure it out so we can help the kids coming up. We've created a world where joy is unspeakable because it's unattainable not because it's full of glory.

Everything is awful. Isn't it? People are absolutely mean. No one cares about their fellow man. If what you are living is hard, just turn on the tv and see even harder. Families torn apart by hate and anger. Empty seats at tables because of senselessness. Loss and loss and loss. People giving as good as they get, except it isn't good they are giving or getting.

Except... the stories of sweet children making Valentines for the people in nursing home. Organ donors. Couples being married for 70 years. Videos of babies hearing their daddy's voice for the first time. Animals being rescued. Momma's kissing newborns. Mindy's countdown to spring in the midst of her grief for her husband, reminding us that the light does always return. Dancing for mourning, beauty for ashes, laughing through tears, coffee in the morning with your love, pizza with a dear old friend. A baby learning to walk. Laughing until your stomach hurts. Holding hands. Petting a dog. A bird singing (not too loudly and not to early in the morning). The smell of fresh cut grass or drying leaves. Someone finding their voice and speaking their truth and taking their power to move and inspire others. Being secure in your beliefs. Music, art, touching words. The sound of my husband saying "hey baby". The smell of chicken frying. The perfectly round cookies my mom bakes. The smell of the ocean. The quiet of snowfall. Hope. Love. Grace.

Joy unspeakable.

We deserve it. Our kids deserve it. We have to show them. They have to know they are worthy and no matter what they've done, they can have it. In the middle of the storm, you can find a place of peace, you can find the laugh, you can find the sweet, sweet spot where happy is. You won't find it in comparisons to others. You won't be able to see it if you are constantly looking toward what is next...what you have to attain or gain or collect believing that happy is in that thing or job or person. It's right here.

Happy is in finding contentment in the right now. I'm not asking you to find it in everything. This isn't a "happily ever after" story. I'm saying to pick one spot and live on that spot. Hold it and nurture it and watch it grow.

I know it's possible. Want to know how, because I'm doing it. Not always perfectly and not always successfully, but it's happening. Sometimes I'm reaching for it and shame or fear calls my name and I turn away from it. But sometimes, oh beautifully, my fingers close around it and you couldn't take it away under any circumstances.

Want to know another way I can prove it can be done? Read back over the paragraph about all the exceptions. I bet you felt something. I bet one of those things resonated  with you. I bet you thought of at least one thing more. You felt a spark. Give that spark oxygen. Talk to it. Build on it.

We need happy. We need contentment. We have to show our kids that having and doing and getting isn't where it's at. It's in being. It's in living now with what you have while carrying the hope of what will be, letting it motivate us, of course, but not letting us miss what is surrounding us in this moment. Because right now is full of good stuff.

I used to be afraid to have a good day, because a good day made the fall into a bad day worse. The comparison was too stark, too harsh. I wonder how many happy days I missed. Perhaps I spent so many days looking for fresh hell instead of seeing the lovely I deserve.

Not today. I'm not doing that today. I'm going to stand up, walk into the sunroom, see the birds and smile at my husband and just feel it. Just feel the unspeakable joy.

I recognize my place of privilege in writing this. I'm sitting on my couch in my warm home with my WiFi. I'm going to make an early lunch with the things in my well-stocked refrigerator. I'm healthy and so is my family. I am what the world unfairly most rewards with the exception of being a woman. I am unafraid in so many ways that I take it for granted. I recognize taking any of those things away considerably alters my ability to find contentment. Which leaves little room for me to not acknowledge that it is easier for me to find.