Betrothed....

affiance, engaged, I am those things. And I'm so incredibly happy. In one month and one day I'll have a husband. I'll be a wife.

If you don't like mushy or talking about feelings, you should probably stop now. A couple of years ago, I probably would have closed this window and moved on. I understand if you want to do that too.

I love words, you all realize that. The words he and I will say and hear April 16 will now always be my favorite. We've picked them carefully. We've made sure our hearts feel them and believe them and understand them and mean them. We've made certain that we wish to live by them.

I love him. Love isn't a big enough word. I love seafood and the ocean and my family. Love doesn't cover all the things I feel about him. I don't think there is a word. I used to look at couples and wonder if that kind of crazy big love was real. Now I have no doubts that it does exist. I'm holding it right now. I can feel how he loves me even when he's there and I am here. It's as if I can see it around me, it's so palpable.

The truth is, if you are around us for very long, you too can feel what's between he and I. We can't help it. It's some sort of vapor that follows us. We're not sorry about it.

The weight of his hand is one of my very favorite things. I'll never get used to it. His voice from the other room, seeing him looking for me in a crowd. Knowing that it's me he's trying to find. Hearing him call us "us" or "we". These things are gifts he gives me.

It's not controlling, but it is consuming. It's finding the kindest way to say and do things with and for each other. It's not hard. Really. It's not work. There were adjustments and changes to be made by both of us. Those things didn't feel like work; they felt like a privilege. They felt like we were honestly building something for ourselves and each other.

I'm still fundamentally me. Yet, somehow, I've become even more myself. More confident, more certain of who I am. I'm not saying that because I'm getting married I'm a bigger deal, because honey, I am a big deal. I'm just saying that this relationship, this big crazy love has given me a space and the safety to fully feel who I am. I'm not complete because I'm getting married. I'm getting married because I feel completely... me.

I wanted you all to know. You have followed me and encouraged me and picked me the hell up when I couldn't do it for myself. You reminded me that I'm worth saving.

I'll post more about plans and details, if you want. Right now, I just wanted to tell you, the words I'm writing right now are my favorite: He is my beloved and I am his.