Having an Xmas Party...

... in February sure relieves a hell of a lot of stress.

This past weekend was our fifth annual Cousins' Christmas Party.  Yes, nearly two months after Xmas, it was on.  Busy schedules, trips to foreign lands and massages being offered in men's restrooms forced us to put it off until now.  Let me tell you, Xmas in February is BRILLIANT.  Less busy, less stress, more time to find the perfect under $10 white-trash gift.

Let me explain the attendees first. I realize you all haven't met the cast of characters, even though I believe they should all be world famous. This set of cousins is from my mother's side of the family. They are 'Haggard' grandkids. If you are a Haggard grandkid and weren't invited it's because you've BEEN invited and unable to attend more than twice (you snooze you loose - although begging for an invite would get you one) or you didn't spend at least part of your childhood in the good old Jasper County.


I am traumatized by the fact that I was oldest cousin at this thing.  My sister is usually the oldest, but couldn't attend.  She doesn't know it, but she and I are in a big fight now, because I WAS THE OLDEST.

The attendees were: My brother Randy (Goob), his wife Shannon and kids: Maddy (15), Delaney (11), Gavin (7) and Sydnee (almost 5) and Landon who is still cooking until mid-March; my cousin Danny and his kids: Andrew (8) and Grace (5); Mandy (Danny's sister) and her husband Joel; Matt (Danny/Mandy's brother) and his girlfriend Jenn; cousin Addie and her beau Tim; cousin Aaron (Addie's brother) and his girl Amanda; and cousin Alison (Addie/Aaron's sister) and her betrothed, Rod.  Confusing enough for you?

My mentor/best guy friend, Big D, lets me borrow his home, since we are too many for my place.  His house is big enough for whomever wants to stay over, enough bathrooms (5!) for no waiting and the little kids can run around and play without involving the adults.  Except for Sydnee telling us that she was confused because Grace had stolen her imaginary boyfriend. 

As is tradition, we eat a lot, drink a little and then proceed to the gift exchange and game portion of the evening.  The gift exchange is played as 'dirty santa' where each person draws a number and picks a gift in order.  Anyone after you has the right to steal your gift.  All gifts must either cost less than $10 if purchased new, or they can be some old crap lying about your house you think someone else would just LOVE to have.  Gifts this year ranged from an old DVD recorder with unmatching remote, to a leg humping dog (he made his third appearance this year) to truck stop 'accessories'.  The most popular gifts were brought by first time attendee Jenn, a minature garden pirate and by Maddy, lovely pink lawn flamingos.  I have a feeling we may see those gifts again next year.

After the white elephant gift exchange (white TRASH - as Dan calls it), we move onto the much anticipated game.  My family takes this stuff seriously, especially the boys.  I usually run the game (control freak that I am), and we play boys against girls.  These aren't your traditional board games or video games. These games are created specifically for this group in order to produce the maximum amount of shouting, "they always get the easy ones" or "I call shenanigans".  The more yelling and bitching, the better, in our opinion.  The drama makes it more fun.  No one is truly disgruntled; it's all in good fun.

Games in years past have included a scavenger hunt, a form of Pictionary, an indoor relay race, Name That Tune using my personal iPod. This year we did a combination of Haggard Pictionary and Name That Tune.  Team members drew a ball out of a bag: pink ball = pictionary, blue ball = name a tune.  And no, the innuendo and snickering about the balls never got old.  This year the girls won!  The boys believe it is a tainted win, not for any particular reason except they lost.  That's reason enough for the boys.

Awards were given for an MVP for each team, Jenn for the girls and Dan for the boys.  Awards were also given for best drawing that led to a correct guess.  Joel won for his version of "Octomom" - it involved an octopus and well...babies entering the world by the natural route.  Rodney won for his drawing of what was supposed to be Michael Jackson.  I honestly did not see Michael anywhere in the drawing...no one glove, no red jacket...just little boys.  (Sorry Jill and Keri).  No worries folks, the little ones were in another room and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have been able to tell what this bad art was.  We did have a round for Grace and Syd.  (Gav and Andrew were uninterested in what we were doing.) Sydnee's version of a square was fantastic, even though her word was 'triangle'.  Grace can draw a mean circle and does a wonderful job of making a lower case 'a'. 

For the second year in a row, there were a couple vicious games of musical chairs.  I fancy myself a non-competitive person, but I knocked little Grace out of a chair and tried to cheat to beat my niece, Maddy.  As is the case, cheaters never win, so Maddy went on to victory. 

I love this party.  I love being under the same roof as these cousins with whom I've played house and tractors.  Who played in Grandma's sandbox inside an old tractor tire.  With whom we rolled our eyes as teenagers during family meals.  Whom we've cheered for and worried after and cried with and fought with.  I love the new people we've added; the spouses and significant others and the next generation of cousins.  I love the screaming and yelling during the game.  (It seriously doesn't make me think you don't like the game, the opposite is true - I know you are loving it!)  I love the shocking gifts from the quiet cousins, like the candy pasties with tassels from Aaron and how sweet, precious Addie stole the humping dog during the gift exchange.  I love how Mandy throws her head back to laugh.  I love that Danny is always loveable, calm Danny and how Matt tells us to stop hating and bitching.  I love that Alison can still make us shake our head and remember how YOUNG 22 really is.  I love that Shannon is so much part of the family it's like she never wasn't there.  I love that Randy has found his psycho competitive soulmate in Joel.  We're all getting to know Tim and Rodney and Jenn and Amanda and hoping they all stick around.  I think everyone else loves it too. I especially love that we've chosen to stay close as a family, even though we don't all still live in J.C.

For those of you who aren't a Haggard Grandkid, play a game of chairs with kids and grown-ups.  You'll be surprised at how you laugh yourself silly.  Just don't shove a 5 year old off a chair.  I'm pretty sure that's punishable by hell.  Or at least merciless teasing by folks you love.

Madelynn Alexis

Maddy and Sydnee

Fifteen years ago today my brother's first child, Madelynn, was born. Since becoming an aunt on September 24, 1994, I've been lucky enough to add Delaney, Gavin and Sydnee to the list of magical children who call me Aunt Lisa. In March, 2010, I will get to add another Baby Huber to that list.

Since I cannot begin to express my gratitude for being an aunt, and since it is Mad's birthday, I'm going to tell you about her.

First, she's obviously beautiful. She was since birth. She was born with a pert little nose, adorable elf ears, and very little hair. The nose is still pert, the head has caught up to the ears, and luckily, at age two, she finally grew some hair.

What's not so obvious is the size of her heart. She is the big sister who is adored by her siblings. She is a total daddy's girl who will honestly say that her dad is her best friend (Goob, a dad, who would have thought?!). She's a girly-girl who can also be pretty crude and gross when she feels like it. With the encouragement of her step-mom, Shannon, she has discovered her love of art. She wants to be a fashion designer/stylist or a therapist who helps divorced kids. I know this girl can be anything she wants.

She loves the city and the ocean. However, as she told me in Alabama when I was talking about the moss hanging from the trees, "They're just trees, we have them in Illinois. I'm not really into nature, you know." She has a smart mouth and a quick wit. Sometimes it seems like her favorite phrase is, "What? Huh? I don't get it?" She thinks science is interesting, parts of history are tolerable, math can be dealt with, but writing is a nightmare.

She's a horrifically picky eater: nothing red, very few vegetables, nothing can touch anything else on the plate, no bread unless it's grilled... She loves fruit, grilled foods, all things potato, pizza - as long as she can't see the sauce, and Phish Food ice cream.

Of course, she is a typical teenage girl with all the catty, silly trappings of that. She's not perfect. We neither want nor expect her to be. She's going to make mistakes. I can't believe how hard it is to stand back and watch her falter, but that's what builds character. In her mistakes, she will learn how to navigate life and figure out who she is. I pity the boy who breaks her heart.

She used to clop down the hall in my too-big high heels and play dress up with my clothes. Now she's taller than I and wears the same shoe size. I miss my little Maddy whom I could hold in my lap... I miss hearing, "do it adin" when I tickled her. I miss her little giggle.

Oh, but I do love this Maddy. She's strong and brave and smart and funny. I can't imagine who she will be in the next 15 years. I want it to go slowly. I want her to stay silly, gross, dingy, catty, marvelous teenage Maddy for as long as possible, because I know I'm going to miss that Maddy when she moves on to the next stage of growing up.

A BIG thanks to the wonderful Aunts in my life, especially to Ruby and Pam who showed me how it was done. An ENORMOUS thanks to Mad, Dee, Gav, Syd and Baby-to-Be for making me a better person. To Randy and Shannon - thanks for having all the babies and keep it up!

I hope I'm a good aunt. I hope Maddy knows how proud I am of her. I hope she knows how much I love her. I hope she feels I'm always here for her. I guess that's the best thing about kids, they are just filled with hope and it spills over to the grown-ups.

Big Sister, Maddy (age 11) with Gavin (3), Sydnee (8 mos.) and Delaney (7)

The First Fresh Hell

The first circle of hell I wish to discuss is how 'high maintenance' (hm) has become some sort of religion. It's not necessarily people doing the hm behaviors, it's their incessant need to let everyone know about it. People are mani - pedi - waxing - tanning - highlighting - shopping proselytizers. I get it; I really, really do. I love a good pedicure. I cover my grays as often as possible (Thanks, Shan!). I get how lovely it is to have someone do something for you that you have neither the time nor skill to do for yourself. I also understand how important that is to all the Mothers/Wives. They are busy and stressed and selfless. They deserve the love. So do the single girls, for various reasons and motivations, I don't need to discuss here and now. But WHY must we tell everyone about it?

The constant discussion of pampering oneself smacks of elitism. First, one must have the money to do these things. Secondly, sometimes more preciously, one must have the time. These folks want everyone else to know they are keeping up with the Hiltons and doing these oh-so-fabulous sounding things.

I'm all for the 'pampering' (ugh! that word...pamper is what you put on a baby's bottom). I'm just fed up with talking talking talking about the pampering. Dare I say, BRAGGING about it.

Woo hooo... someone scraped the gunk from under your toenails. Thanks for sharing. But you can stop now...please.