My dear little one..

I wish you two things...to give you roots, to give you wings.  The first time I heard that was on an episode of Designing Women. I don't remember the specifics, but Suzanne, a childless woman, had to let go of a little girl who had been in her care for a short period of time. She was so broken hearted, she loved that child so dearly, that she struggled to release the little one she adored. 

I remember watching that episode and that quote buried itself in my heart and my mind. It's been there for a very long time. Right now seems a most appropriate time to dust it off and talk about it, because my social media and my own heart is full of parents letting go of their little ones, be it kindergarten or college. The releasing looks simultaneously beautiful and excruciating. Bitter and Sweet. Roots and Wings.

Of course, never having children, I'm somewhat of an expert on having children. (Sarcasm font, folks.) But I do have kids that I feel my soul has deep and abiding ties to, so I'm going to dive in to this. Feel free to tell me what I get wrong.

Deep breath... having children is an incredibly selfish act. Now hear me out. There is no truly, entirely altruistic reason to have a child. You can hope they make the world a better place, but that's not a reason to have a baby. The way I see it, the entire reason boils down to leaving a piece of you here when you go and making a person you love and who loves you with a depth and breadth one cannot put into words. Having children is about loving and being loved, ultimately.

Now raising children, that's an entirely selfless act. It's a sacrifice from the jump (pardon the pun). From the very beginning they literally take a piece of you and keep it for themselves. Then there is the woman sacrificing her body. Then when the little bitty arrives, it's giving up sleep and time and bits of yourself , your goals, your snacks and your money, and on and on and on. Little by little, it's less of some and more of others - less giving up sleep, more giving up money. Less wiping noses and bottoms and more ferrying them around and re-learning fractions. The entire time you are doing this, the truly selfless thing is, you are teaching them to leave you. You are making them more independent by the day. All the reminders you give them and all the lessons you teach them when they are young turn into the knowing how to as they grow up. You are giving them to the world every single minute, a drop at a time.

Then one day, there they go, and you have to encourage and cheerlead and make the lists of the things they need to do and know and the things they need to have, and then you begin to check those things off. One thing at a time, you get closer to letting them go. How counter-intuitive that must feel. You've spent days and nights for years keeping them safe, making sure they are where they are supposed to be and then one day, you don't have to do that, you don't need to do it, you're no longer allowed to do it, because you've done your job well and now you have to trust what you've created to start making their own way out in the world.

Of course, you're never really, entirely done. I still ask my mom how to cook certain things, how to navigate new experiences. I still ask; I still need from her. But, I mostly move through the life I've created, filling her in and sending her pictures of the little family we've created. She's a supporting role, sometimes a guest star in the life of a person she made entirely out of nothing.

The selflessness of the act of raising a child, born out of the selfishness of wanting one is in a word...miraculous.

My niece, Sydnee, is moving into her dorm today. Nine hundred twenty-eight miles away from the world she knows, from the life her parents made for her. Her parents are there with her right now, preparing for the 30 minute window of time they are allowed to carry her things, put them down, hold her close and then let her go. The weight of that, to me as simply her aunt, is almost crushing. The pride is equally so. I cannot imagine how her mom and dad and brothers feel. They are the ones who will miss the physical presence of her; the everyday sounds and smells and sights. The shoes and the laughter and the door slamming. The piles of laundry and dance uniforms. The space she takes up in their home will be vacant, and the space in their hearts will ache for her.

But, they'll live new experience through her texts and calls and facetimes. They'll visit and see the life she's making, the life they sacrificed for her to begin. They'll watch as their grown up baby grows even more as a person, and they are the ones who started it all. 

We should have known when she was a baby, when she didn't want to be rocked to sleep, when she would fling her arms wide as you put her in her crib that she was already dreaming of spreading those wings.

Today, at 2 p.m., perhaps as you are reading this, they'll begin to open, entirely, with uncertainty, with some reservations, with definite fear... but they will stretch wide and her feet will leave the ground, will leave the familiar. She'll look back over her shoulder and see her parents proud and sad faces and feel those incredibly strong roots giving her all she needs to begin to learn to soar on her own. She'll know the wings are strong but so are the roots. She'll know that both will always show her where home is. One will carry her there and the other will hold her place for her as she flies. And at 2 p.m. CST, her mom and dad will let her go. They will sacrifice again. Willingly, gratefully with hearts that are full yet slightly broken. Bitter and sweet. Roots and wings.

To all the moms and dads going through this, whether it's kindergarten, high school or college, the military, or moving out...well done. I hope they squeeze you a little longer before you let them go.

And to Sydnee... I love you mosterest. Bigger than the ocean.

The new year...

is but a newborn. It's brand new. We don't know its personality, its patterns, neither its woes and worries nor it's joys and adventures. We won't know what 2023 is or isn't until this time next year. We're all hoping for some calm. My goodness, we deserve calm. We'd like some healing and unexpected loveliness, of course, but after what the decade so far has served up, I believe we'd all just take a neutral year for this one. Please, please don't give us any fresh hell 2023, we're still digging out of the past hell.

I've been thinking about resolutions and what they really are. A recipe for failure? Little lies we tell ourselves? A joke? I think I've landed on them being a promise we make ourselves to change. Change is often scary, so generally the changes we want to make are those that benefit us directly. Get fit, eat better, spend more time with friends and family, stay off social media, stop comparing ourselves to other, look at our phones less and our loved ones more. Those are all good things. They are all noble and honorable. But what about the kind of change that makes us have to make amends? Change in how we behave towards others requires so much sacrifices and so many apologizes and admitting our wrong-doings, I often think it would be easier for me to stop eating bread entirely than for someone to attain a true change of heart.

I think about a resolution I've made basically every year since I was 27... this is the year I make my body better. Sometimes, I've used words like thin, skinny, small. It never works, because I'm likely shooting for the wrong star. I should be thinking strong and healthy. DON'T WORRY, THIS BLOG ISN'T ABOUT THAT RESOLUTION, I'm just using is at the example to build a picture in your mind before I dive in. Let's say that I resolve this year to get strong and healthy. I will not wake up tomorrow strong and healthy. Just saying I'm making that change doesn't make it happen. I have to work and sacrifice time and pay attention to how and why I'm eating what I'm eating. I have to exercise consistently and all the other things to make it happen. So, basically, I have to DO something to make the actual change. Saying it means nothing if I don't put my back into it.

Let me preface this by saying, if you think I am talking about you, that's on you. I'm not. Check your ego or your behavior if you think this is about you directly. If you see it as a finger pointed at you, well then, you should likely get really honest with yourself about your behaviors and deal with them. Come at me, and I will push back. I'm not responsible for your guilty conscious. Sort yourself out.

That being said, let's have a chat. 

I've heard many times in my life about how this person or that person has "changed". I'm talking specifically this time about someone who had hurt people in the past, been a bully, lied about people, just been downright mean in their lives. You hear someone say, "oh he used to be a douche, but now he's a nice guy" or "she really was a mean girl in high school, but she's so sweet now". And what I've come to realize lately is that those sentences often should be followed by the words "to me". He's a nice guy to me. She's so sweet now to me. Because here's the thing, to truly, truly be changed, in my opinion, one has to do the work and make it right. It's not enough, I feel (and this is my blog so I can only speak from my thoughts and feelings) to start being nice, you gotta go back to the not nice time in your life and fix it. In other words, you have to do the workouts to lose the weight.

The thought process is often for us to just forgive and forget, because not doing that creates bitterness in one's own life. Bitterness clouds your judgment, it shifts your focus from the present good to the past bad. Like they say, it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And I absolutely agree that shaking off the dust of hurts others have caused you will certainly restore you power and keep you from wasting your valuable emotions and time on someone else's behavior, (which you can't change and you aren't responsible for), but forgiving someone who isn't sorry is an immense challenge to say the least. Forgiving someone who continues to inflict the same harm over and over again can be nigh on impossible.

With the advent of social media and even texting, criticism of others, bullying, and even downright lying about others has become as easy as a few taps of the keys. Not having to see the pain you inflict, some believe, makes it easier to do. You don't have to see their face when you say the mean thing, so the internal "feel bad" part of you doesn't get switched on. I will say that there are people who simply have killed the "feel bad" part of themselves by years and years of saying the mean thing or telling the lie so frequently, they could say it to your face and not only would they not feel badly, they'd enjoy it. I also believe social media and even texting has also made the apology so much shallower. It's so easy to bang out a quick, "I'm so sorry..." that apologies have lost some of their weight. 

Apologies for big things should be difficult, I believe. There should be a lump in your throat, you should feel some sense of shame, and you should make yourself recognize the pain you've caused. I think social media has made it so not only do we not have to apologize in person, we don't even really take ownership for what we've done. Apologies now say things like, "I'm sorry if you were hurt by what I've said." or "I'm sorry for whatever I did to hurt you." A blanket, easy I'm sorry makes us wonder if they are even sorry at all. Social media has also made it easy to extend an olive branch. We do things such as liking the status of someone we've hurt to see how they are feeling about us, or we say "Merry Christmas" on their holiday post hoping they'll like our comment and we'll feel better about how they feel about us, or to be able to tell people "I was nice to them and they didn't respond. It's not my fault they can't get over it!"

Ultimately, when we take someone's temperature about us in this way, on social media, what we are hoping is for the kissing and making up without having to do the work to make things right. We are hoping we won't have to apologize for real, and that person will just move on like nothing happened, and we can stop feeling like that bad guy, or if it's someone who enjoys being the bad guy, but has had relationships suffer because of their wrong doing, they hope everyone will let them off the hook because they are trying to make things right, when all they are really doing is trying to give the appearance of fixing it so the consequences stop. People like that will even get angry if their insincerity is met with genuine distain. They've apologized, so they feel they are owed an it's okay.

To me, the only real olive branch is a full out, sincere apology. Don't tiptoe into someone's feed hoping for a warm response. Don't just flippantly say sorry followed by the word if. Do the work. An apology to me has to involve the words I'm sorry followed by the word for. Then there needs to be an acknowledgement of how their actions negatively impacted their victim.  We shouldn't be saying "It was never my intention...", because, let's all get real, when you do something knowing it will cause hurt, your intention is always to hurt. That's what you were going for, hurt. Next, explain the steps you are taking to fix the problem and then do those things, no matter how hard it is for you.  

I've been watching the Harry and Megan series on Netflix. Full disclosure, I'm team H & M. So, let me just use their situation as an example of what I believe a real apology looks like, shall we?

"I am so deeply sorry for intentionally spreading lies and unfounded rumors about you. I know that by doing that, I damaged your character and made people who know you as well as many who don't think poorly of you, even hate you. I did that to hurt you, in fact, my entire reason for doing that was to hurt you. I am doing my best to make sure those I've lied to know the truth. I will have your name in my mouth telling the truth about what I've intentionally done to you with the same energy and to the same people I lied about you to. I owe you that, even though it's hard, because what I did to you had to be so incredibly hard on you."

Can you imagine getting that sort of apology? Can you imagine giving it? Whew. Just writing it made my palms sweat. That's the sort of thing we need. If you did harm and are sorry for the harm, FIX IT. If you've done harm and only want to make it better for yourself, make the discomfort you feel stop, then just save it. Your little thumbs up on their beach picture is lame and embarrassing and downright gross. Either you're sorry or not. Decide and act accordingly. Righting a wrong should be uncomfortable and hard, because the harm we've caused likely caused them discomfort and hardship.

So then what? After you've sincerely, correctly (in my opinion) apologized, what do you do next? You wait. You give your victim (harsh words perhaps, but I'm not for sugarcoating this) time to process what you've said and decide if they forgive you. Perhaps they will and things will be wonderful. Perhaps they won't. They get to decide that. Remember, you were the one who did wrong, not them. Not accepting an apology isn't wrong. If you wouldn't have caused harm in the first place, they wouldn't have to decide how they feel about an I'm sorry. And frankly, sometimes we've inflicted too much damage for someone to care about whether we're sorry or not. Sorry doesn't take back the emotional toll that's been taken. Sorry doesn't erase anything, and sorry means nothing if you continue the harmful behavior or don't make amends. Even if the person doesn't forgive you, if you are truly sorry, if you have honestly changed, you'll keep doing what you should to put things right again. That person to whom you've said you are sorry also can forgive and forget you. They can accept an apology but choose to keep you out of their lives. Once bitten, twice shy. If your actions are part of a bigger pattern you have with others, they may chose to ignore you entirely. They may not trust your apology. You have to let them. Most people don't touch a hot stove twice.

If they don't accept your apology, or they do and choose to continue living without you as part of their lives, respect their decision. Don't keep apologizing. Don't keep trying to get them to be part of your life. You lost the right to that when you did the harm, because when you hurt someone, in that moment, you have all the control. When you apologize, sincerely, you've rightly given that control back to them. Accept that with grace and humility and leave them be.

I've said all that to say this, don't say you've changed if you haven't, and don't expect others to pretend you have if you haven't. Don't try to convince others someone has changed, because it's possible that person has just changed to you. Conversely, if someone has changed, is putting in the work, don't keep dragging up their past behavior. It's unjust to keep pushing them back down when they are trying to rise. Call them on it if they revert, obviously, but don't beat them with a stick about their past. They and you can't change what's been done, we can only be honest about it and do better. Resolving to change isn't enough, even on the first day of a new year, one must actually do the work to change and live that change daily. We also must work to repair the damage we've done. Change, I don't believe, can be permanent until we've cleaned up the mess we've made in our past. You can't be given a clean slate, you must clean it yourself, so that even if you're dealing with hell, at least it's the fresh kind.

P.S.  I've read where folks are choosing a word for the year instead of making a resolution. It might be a more realistic thing to do. To decide on what you want 2023 to look like, sum it up in one word, and carry that with you during your year. Ugh. Just one word to someone like me who loves almost all the words is a big ask. So, as I sit here on my proverbial porch as the time slips into the second day of 2023, I'm searching for my word. Peace? Joy? Health? Change? Fresh?

No.  My word for this year is ASK. I'm going to ASK folks for what I need. I'm going to start, upfront, kindly but firmly asking for what I need to move through my life. I'm going to ask for peace or attention or space or time or <gulp> help. I'm going to ask the people in my life to help me be honest with them by allowing me to be honest with myself about what I may want or need from them or me to make living this life more fulfilling. The amazing thing is, the people who are in my life fully, are more than willing and even happy to help me get what I ask for. Most people are. You'll notice the word isn't TELL. Tell does seem stronger and more powerful, but folks have the right to not do what I want because I've told them to, and some people are built to always do what they are told to do, so that seems like an abuse of power. I'd rather ask and give them the opportunity to decide if my request is fair to them. 

I'm 51. The odds are that I'm well past halfway through. That's a startling revelation. I want to look back at it when I am at the end and not see things I've missed because I simply failed to ask for them. So here I am, asking you to tell me your word. To inspire me with what you want your year to look like. I'd wager that not one of you will pick the word HELL.

Happy New Year.